Shedding Self-Consciousness and Counting Blessings

***Trying to shed the shade of self-consciousness that comes with an awareness that at least 2 people read by blog.

I had a grand meeting scheduled with some angel investors who were ***interested in my idea for digital fashion accessories and the patent I filed. Worked myself into a frenzy for the meeting-- albeit unconsciously because my conscious mind rises above such frivolity-- but I lost the opportunity because I left my place too late. (Yes, there was a traffic jam on the highway because of a disabled vehicle and I had built in an extra half hour travel time, but I still didn't leave soon enough. If I had really cared, I would have camped out in front of their building at 2am the night before. It's not like there aren't tents in Dubai and I would not freeze.)

If I were a guru, which I certainly am not, I would say that I was self-sabatoging. How I hate this idea of self-sabatoge. If I were so good at sabotoging, wouldn't I be able to sabotage my attempts at self-sabotage? Think about it.

So what is secure in my life ? What have I been successful in securing?

My own bed.
My own cigarettes.
A big butt.
Numerous ex boyfriends.
Stalkers.

Wow. Counting my blessings outloud like that has really shown me the silver lining.

Overlapping Happiness via Venn Diagram

What is my secret, you may ask-- ? Stay tuned.

****interested : 1.defined loosely as the way investors act when you are passionate about something and then think maybe you are smart enough to not get totally excited about a completely dumb ass idea but they are not really sure-- 2. imagine you naked

If I had an anti-gravity bra, I would be happy

Woke up this morning thinking about anti-gravity bras. Hello tech people. Do something useful for God's sake. The moon is nice and all but what about boobs on earth? As usual, the man neglects the girl at home.

Not in a better mood today.

Had weird dreams about the blisters on the back of my feet being so much worse because of my smoking. Doctor said so in my dream. For those of you who would agree with this, please get a life. I just need better sneakers. And I need to quit smoking.  Unrelated.

I have a long email I used to write to myself. I called it "Letters of Unrequited Love". I still have it. I tore parts of it out for my novel that is: a-not being read-- b-not being liked-- c-so brilliant that everyone is speechless. I like to go with "c".

When I get to be in a better mood, I will be sure not to write. Aren't you lucky?

Bitter Fat Tired Old Bad Mood

I have a massive splitting headache. I don't know why. I had my daily intake of caffeine, sugar, and tobacco. For those of you who don't touch any of those things, or even just one of them, get off your high horse. I am happy for you -- so be happy for me.

In a really crappy mood, in case you didn't notice. So don't mess with me.

One of my friends recently irritated me with a post on facebook. Sometimes, I truly wish there was a dislike button.

She posted a pic of an outline of two women. The first was a thin female figure filled in with carrots, oranges, lettuce, and other vegetables and fruits. The second was a fat female figure filled in with donuts, cakes, bread, butter, and other carbs. Caption was something like -- 'you are what you eat' or 'put down that donut, fatty' or 'look at me, im skinny'--  or something. I obviously don't remember the caption. The image is burned in my memory because it irritated the hell out of me. No, I am not a fat girl. I am not a thin girl either, but I can tell you that I could eat only fruits and vegetables for the next 20 years and I may lose 2 pounds -- and I exercise daily, really exercise daily with sweat running down my body. Some of us are not meant to be thin because we have thyroid disorders and our metabolisms don't burn fat. I don't want to hear about how I eat junky food because the truth is, I don't -- not any more than some of you very skinny girls. I have seen you thin girls wolf down plates full of pasta, cakes, and chocolate and then complain if you gain a few pounds in a year. If I ate like that for one day, I would gain that few pounds over the next few hours.

All true.

I do like my curves but I don't like how the camera makes me look bigger. Why are cameras like this? Shouldn't there just be a setting in a camera to automatically reduce a person's size by 10 pounds?? With all of this technology, why has this not been done yet? Do something useful tech people. I am tired of technology just driving web pages. I don't want a better screen on my computer or a better iPhone. I want an honest camera.

What else?

I got a massage yesterday and went to two yoga classes but still manage to spew venom the next morning. Am I desperately unhappy or unhappily desperate? I think both.

Whoever planted that car bomb in Beirut should be shot. I hate you Beirut-car-bomber.

I love the lyrics to Temptation, the song by New Order -- one of my all-time favorite bands.

Here they are -- you can hum along : (or I can)

A heaven, a gateway, a hope
Just like a feeling inside, it's no joke
And though it hurts me to treat you this way
Betrayed by words, I'd never heard, too hard to say
Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home

Each way I turn, I know I'll always try
To break this circle that's been placed around me
From time to time, I find I've lost some need
That was urgent to myself, I do believe
Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home

Oh, you've got green eyes
Oh, you've got blue eyes
Oh, you've got grey eyes

And I've never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Bolts from above hit the people down below
People in this world, we have no place to go
Oh, it's the last time
Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Oh no, I've never met anyone quite like you before

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/new+order/temptation_20099921.html ]

So I mentioned how I am looking for a divine mate. Do I really believe in that stuff? I know I do believe that some people probably have more than one. Chances are, someone took mine. He is probably in the sack with her right now.

Being facetious, I think.

It just seems that I have never known the feeling of mutual love. Someone who adores me equally to how I adore him. Am I doomed not to know it ? I want to balance this equation. Since we are on the topic of the unrequited -- let me ask you (myself) the following questions:

Q-What do you do when you feel someone wants more from you than you are willing to give? Do you hang around and absorb all of their love and admiration into your ego or do you let go ?

A-You let go --

Q-Is there another option?

A- I do not think so. The relationship becomes toxic. Simply, the love/admiration, if not returned, goes awry, disrupting equality.

So, this is how I have loved, my whole life -- unequally. Either I adore, or I am adored, but I have never know the feeling of mutual adoration. I don't know how it feels to look all gooey-eyed at someone and have them look the same way back at me.

It's what I want folks. Shoot me.

I wrote my novel with conceptions about how love should feel. Love kicked, love judged, love hated, love criticized. By the end of writing my novel, I realized all of those things were not love at all. Love was compassionate. Love was freedom. Love was beauty. Love was happiness. Love, well it just loved.

I am still looking for that love. For that divine mate who will be mine and I will be his. Someone who does not demand me to be someone I am not and someone who I do not want to change. Someone who loves me for who I am and someone I love for who they are. Someone who is kind, compassionate, soulful, intelligent, funny and sexy. Someone who responds to every part of me without judgment. Someone who will play with me and let me play with him but not in a mean-spirited way, but in a child-like way that allows our spirits freedom from the adult world-- from what is expected of our expectations, from what is hoped for our hopes, from what is deemed worthy of our worth.

I wonder if I will find it. I think it would be just that I do. After all, I have been so very patient. I know the Universe responds to patience and to faith. I have both even though I get sidetracked from time to time, mistaking loneliness for permanent exile and un-ending despair. I am sure you all know what I mean (all 0 of you) reading my blog. It doesn't stop me from writing. In my world, trees that fall in the forest are heard, even if no one is there to hear it.

Why are you blogging, Rima ? (Answering my own question w zeal.)

At the risk of alienating most of my audience (all 0 of you), I started this blog for cold hard cash. Yes, you read that right. I don't have a political platform. I don't really care much about the fate of the environment. I don't even really know my history that well and don't ask me to find Slovenia on a map. I don't even like money that much but the truth is, I just really need it.

I couldn't care less if you like me or hate me. I have learned to like myself enough not to care.

So, the deal is that I have to blog for a few months to be paid for my blogging. If I am going to bore you with this blog -- if anyone actually even reads it-- which I doubt-- I may as well not bore you. Yes, I am going to be considerate of my audience but not because you want me to but because it is my nature.

See how lucky you are ?

So I had this harebrained scheme to move to Dubai thinking that the big buildings would shield me from myself. It turns out all they do is shield me from the much-needed wind under the hot blazing sun. A lot has happened since I have moved here-- most of it pleasant in an objective sense-- but very unpleasant in a subjective sense. More to come... I suppose inspiration has to strike me but I can write just as well without any, which you have probably just figured out.