Letters to Nizar

Am a very big fan of Nizar Qabbani, the Syrian poet- I always knew of his political poetry, but never of his romantic, erotic poetry. I recently even once wrote a love poem to him- it was an accident- an accident of sorts. A long story. Perhaps one day I will tell it -- when the heat from my cheeks has cooled.

How do I describe my attachment to Syria and all things Syrian ? I am nothing but an exiled pseudo Palestinian who has lived in the US for most of her life, grasping at anything that would make me more like those Syrian Arabs or those Palestinian Arabs or those Lebanese Arabs - those magical Arabs from Al Sham, whose language eludes me and whose minds I never entered and whose hearts were always closed to mine. I am in love with Al Sham but that love is unrequited. How sexy the men! How beautiful the women! How lovely the sentiments expressed between the sexes - all of those rules that are meant to bring the society to a complete whole - to ensure the cycle of life - to ensure the perpetuation of the culture. How all of that has eluded me. How it has my whole life.

I wonder if Nizar, if he were alive today, would have it is in heart to love me, as I am, a woman who has lost her language and her heart. I believe he would. Perhaps he would be able to read the grief in my eyes and love that grief - a poet must love grief or he does not love.

I had a dream that a former lover of mine was underwater. I remember the dream very clearly. I remember he had a camera with him and was desperately trying to take photos of the water - he wanted to get out - he was so tired - I helped him out. I had the dream before the I read the poem by Nizar - the one below - it is so beautiful, it takes my breath away.

Letter From Under The Sea

If you are my friend...
Help me...to leave you
Or if you are my lover...
Help me...so I can be healed of you...
If I knew....
that the ocean is very deep...I would not have swam...
If I knew...how I would end,
I would not have began

I desire you...so teach me not to desire
teach me...
how to cut the roots of your love from the depths
teach me...
how tears may die in the eyes
and love may commit suicide

If you are prophet,
Cleanse me from this spell
Deliver me from this atheism...
Your love is like atheism...so purify me from this atheism

If you are strong...
Rescue me from this ocean
For I don't know how to swim
The blue waves...in your eyes
drag me...to the depths
blue...
blue...
nothing but the color blue
and I have no experience
in love...and no boat...

If I am dear to you
then take my hand
For I am filled with desire...from my
head to my feet

I am breathing under water!
I am drowning...
drowning...
drowning... 

Nizar Qabbani